If nux had to spell “shiny” he’d probably put an “e” in it too
Can’t tell if I had a panic attack because I’m turning thirty soon or an upset stomach because I had cake for lunch.
I was invited to moderate on okcupid! Which is a weird concept because it’s like an invitation to do free labor. And isn’t my loyalty to a dating website also like a pretty strong indication it’s not working so well? But whatever cause I feel powerful and I could use all the points I can get from the (seriously fucked up) gods of internet dating. Gotta say, everything so far is pretty tame, making me feel more like a censor (or someone with the option to censor) than a protector of my fellow internet daters.
Also, I went on the first third date I’ve been on since I was twenty three! We went to a museum for contemporary art. At first I was concerned because she seemed to want to explore at her own pace without talking and I started to wonder if this was a date at all. But then I walked into the sonic installation room and found her sitting in the center of a speaker garden with her eyes closed and she sat there without opening them for a good amount of time. Then she walked around the room crouching by different flower speakers and continued to do so after a guard asked her to not get so close. Then she came over to me to exchange thoughts and we started discussing the installation and then music and then we talked nonstop through the rest of the museum, our drive out of the city, burgers and a long walk. She has strong opinions about abstract concepts and wants to know everything about music. She loves thinking about the zombie apocalypse and she informed me that should one be living through a post apocalypse, the two biggest threats are other people and depression. I like her. I want to know more about her. How do you know if someone is into you if she, like myself, is a bit timid and inexperienced with such things? Without having to directly ask, I mean. I want to take it to the next level but I really don’t know how.
I can’t do work because of internet problems so I suddenly remembered I’m a far side of the spectrum introvert butch with lots of hobbies. What happens to sexual urges deferred? This piece, from my blue phase, is called I’m not getting laid right now. Interesting piece of trivia, the last person I spoke to from OKC brought up “The Cunt Coloring Book” because I list it as one of my favorite books on my profile. After several consecutive nights of fairly lengthy texting, she left mid conversation and I never heard from her again.
Another piece of trivia: one of my first dates ever was to the permanent feminist exhibit at the Brooklyn museum of art. My date disparagingly wondered aloud “why is women’s art always about vaginas?” And then we walked into Judy Chicago’s Dinner Party.
The first time I went to that exhibit was with a high school friend who I had been immensely infatuated with at age fifteen. I’m sitting beside an old journal that catalogues the highs I felt around her and the lows I felt when I worried she was mad at me. I never got mad at her until the last time we saw each other when I was twenty-two and I cut her off forever with little explanation and it’s probably the worst thing I have ever done to another person to date.
My current roommate was also with me on that first visit and I wasn’t overtly “out” to her but she seemed to know I had come out to our other friends and would make insinuating jests that made me feel insanely vulnerable and furious like the way she patted my back and said “have fun” as I stood studiously over the vulvar renderings and started delving deeper in my own gender exploration.
The third time I went to the exhibit was during my year of almost complete isolation when I was eating the same bland things every day and going for spontaneous five mile walks when it was very brisk and would end up walking through museums feeling like a ghost. I don’t know why I believed I was invisible that year or maybe that was the year I started to learn I wasn’t invisible but the butch security guard in the Dinner Party room winked at me and it meant so much to me even though I have no idea why she winked at me, here I am writing about it 6 years later.
I should be going on a date this Thursday. Maybe something will finally come of it. My childhood is almost packed so that my parents can demolish their house. Everyone is complaining that it is still cold here and I don’t say anything because people look at me like I’m satan when I say this but I’m really going to miss the weather. I hate summer clothes and the dysphoria they bring. Immensely.