Big steps

I was invited to moderate on okcupid! Which is a weird concept because it’s like an invitation to do free labor.  And isn’t my loyalty to a dating website also like a pretty strong indication it’s not working so well? But whatever cause I feel powerful and I could use all the points I can get from the (seriously fucked up) gods of internet dating.  Gotta say, everything so far is pretty tame, making me feel more like a censor (or someone with the option to censor) than a protector of my fellow internet daters.

Also, I went on the first third date I’ve been on since I was twenty three!  We went to a museum for contemporary art.  At first I was concerned because she seemed to want to explore at her own pace without talking and I started to wonder if this was a date at all.  But then I walked into the sonic installation room and found her sitting in the center of a speaker garden with her eyes closed and she sat there without opening them for a good amount of time.  Then she walked around the room crouching by different flower speakers and continued to do so after a guard asked her to not get so close.  Then she came over to me to exchange thoughts and we started discussing the installation and then music and then we talked nonstop through the rest of the museum, our drive out of the city, burgers and a long walk.  She has strong opinions about abstract concepts and wants to know everything about music.  She loves thinking about the zombie apocalypse and she informed me that should one be living through a post apocalypse, the two biggest threats are other people and depression.  I like her.  I want to know more about her.  How do you know if someone is into you if she, like myself, is a bit timid and inexperienced with such things? Without having to directly ask, I mean. I want to take it to the next level but I really don’t know how.

Gradual progress?

Mocking or flirting……I dunno

Need the perfect comeback 😁😁😁

Still waiting for her next move…

Seeking alternatives

Is there a lesbian grindr?  I used to look at grindr back in Brooklyn with some guy friends and even in the heart of an orthodox jewish community, they had a surprising array of options.

I did match for a year and got one date out of it.  I’ve been on okc for a year and haven’t had a date since fall and even the dates I did have last year never even led to a kiss.  Now things seem to be moving at a glacial pace or not at all.  People “like” me but don’t respond to messages.  People respond to messages and then fall off the face of the Earth.  And today I was feeling a bit rock bottom-y.  I subscribed to zoosk.  Nothing interesting has happened yet but we’ll see.

My dating life couldn’t be emptier and I can feel the bitterness permeating through everything else.  I’m frustrated.  People keep saying “it’ll happen” but nothing has happened yet and I don’t want two spend another 15 years hoping a relationship will happen only to be be feeling constantly helpless and let down.  Is this just one of those things in life that is unfair and most other people can’t accept how unfair it is so I just keep getting told “it’ll happen”.  I wish I had any sign of progress.  I don’t know what else to do.

Morale is still high (considering)

Today I woke up to this message from a someone I’d had a few back-and-forths with on okc:

Hey! So I wrote you a long response, and then okcupid autosaved content from one of my open tabs, and all of it was gone. And then I was sad and was like, omg, I’ll deal with it tomorrow. And then tomorrow came (today), and I am feeling particular disheartened by this whole online dating process, and I think I’m going to give it all a rest for now. I did totally intend to respond, but at this point, since I’m about to *poof* away and all, it just doesn’t quite make sense. I’m sorry you wasted time writing to me :(.

I has been about 7 years since I’ve been with anyone.  I’m starting to feel affectionate towards recruiters who give me the time of day on the telephone.  It’s very lonely.

At a social engagement the other day, I was finally starting to feel a bit relaxed and someone asked me if I was having fun because I looked so scared.  She was right.  I do look scared and I am scared.  Comments like that  keep me from getting beyond the point of feeling scared.

O

Me getting dressed for dates in the summer

Too feminine
Too casual
Too feminine
Too casual
Too feminine
My gender dysphoria is now so bad I just want to cancel

Update

I was ‘liked’ by yet another lesbian who answered that ‘men should be the heads of households’. What the fuck…

I can’t believe I almost canceled because I had nothing to wear

I just had the best first date I’ve ever had.  All we talked about was racism, micro-agressions, introversion, autism and being awkward .  These are the only things I ever need to talk about.  Everything I was worried about didn’t come true.  She told me earlier that she has trouble detecting sarcasm (which could make getting along with me pretty challenging) but she got my sense of humor.  And the conversation actually got me to think.  Amazing.

Lesbian dating

I should really be able to name a few vegan friendly restaurants in area by now.  Every time I have to pick a restaurant for a first date this happens.

Oh dear

You ever send a ‘like’ to a woman’s profile because you have an insanely high match percentage and she’s really pretty and based on the first few paragraphs she can write and pass as human and then, after pushing it, you get to the last line at the very bottom of her profile where she says she’s in a relationship with a guy and they are looking for a third to have fun with? Some of this dating stuff is really my fault for not reading the fine print first…

Passed as a non-shy person?

Today I interviewed for a volunteer thing that has a screening process so I met with a social worker for over an hour.  At one point she asked if there were any particular personality types or qualities I’d be interested in working with and I said maybe someone shy and introverted because I am those things.  And she responded you are? I assumed she was being sarcastic but looking back I think that would be a weird joke to make during an interview, right?  I dunno.  

Afterward I met up with an online date. So sweet.  Not so much in common.  Sometimes I wonder whether people read my profile at all.  When I say I rarely drink and I’m not into partying, why is the conversation still about the wild times you have with your friends when you’re out drinking and how your idea of adulthood entails extensive knowledge about preventative treatments for hangovers.  I hate these conversations.  Like irrationally.  They depress me, which is weird cause depressing things do not depress me.  The phrase work hard play hard in a profile is always a red flag for me.  How hard do you think you are working while you still have time to play hard?  To me, this means you don’t understand working hard but congratulate yourself as though you do it.  What the fuck does play hard even mean?  I thought it was a line they fed reality show stars to establish the fun one in the house who eventually becomes the alcoholic in denial of the house.  This was probably the second most awkward date I’ve been on and I was once on a date where someone said early on to be honest, I don’t like other black people and feminists are just man-haters.  

I once started talking with via text with a super devout christian lesbian who talked primarily about the passing of her mom two years ago and how her friends, all of whom she knew from church, stopped talking to her after she came out leaving her feeling completely alone.  She was extremely depressed and I don’t blame her because how do you reconcile believing that ‘men should be the head of the household’ with being a lesbian who is searching for love online.  The minute I agreed to give her my number I was bombarded with texts for two days about every single thing she was doing as she did it.  She did this knowing that because we had different phones, I wouldn’t even be able to respond.  She just kept updating.  The day after we met online she invited me over to her house between her shifts to cuddle.  This degree of sudden attachment gave me massive anxiety so I ended it two days later.  She then found me on another dating website and sent a few messages and later an email saying we should stay friends and help each other find love and that I should seriously consider finding the lord.  Her latest profile is pretty bleak, saying she’s lonely, desperate and trying hard not to give up.  All of this I prefer to having a conversation where I feign interest in ball games and beer.  I’d rather just be honest about some fucked up shit than have to spend a second longer than necessary remembering sports terms.  I don’t know what that says about me.  

I want someone who is reasonably stable but eccentrically passionate about some really random things.  Isn’t there something in between the women who go to bars and ball games on weekends and women who beg me to send them nude pics/ foot pics/ body hair pics?